“It was a shock for us,” said daughter and caregiver Stacey Gray, 62, of Detroit. “None of us had any experience caregiving at all and never anticipated caregiving for my mom.”
Gray became a caregiver, alongside her niece and sister, after her mother contracted COVID-19 in July 2020. Previously, her mom lived independently and did everything on her own.
“She got COVID and was in the hospital for about a month,” Gray said. “We’ve been taking care of her ever since, around the clock for almost four years.”
When her mother returned home from the hospital, she appeared to show signs of dementia: a decline of her memory, reasoning and other cognitive skills. She was diagnosed shortly after and has needed care from family and external caregivers. Gray said the progression of her mother’s condition has affected her mobility with muscle atrophy and weight loss. The transition from seeing her mother live independently to needing assistance was one with lots of adjustment, she said.
Her mother, Betty, is 89.
“Since we’ve never done this before, every day is new. Some days she seems like she remembers everything and can do some things on her own, like go to the bathroom. But then other days, like where we are now, it’s just sort of heartbreaking watching her go from being so active to now really can’t do anything for herself,” Gray said.
At first, with the onset of dementia, she seemed to be able to do a few things on her own. She was still enjoying everyday things and talking, she said. Gray said seeing her mother lose interest in things she used to love was difficult. It was a slow process so she learned to accept it while she witnessed first-hand the rapid decline of her mother’s cognitive and physical health. “We’ve kind of mourned that as we’ve gone along,” she said.
“I thought my mom was just going to live until she was 100 and just die peacefully at home, without any need for care. It never occurred to us that we’d be going from her playing golf two days before she went to the hospital with COVID to where she is now,” she said.
During the pandemic, her niece became a live-in family caregiver for her mother. With the progression of her dementia, her mother needs assistance with daily tasks such as cooking, cleaning and bathing. “Everything she could possibly need, we do,” Gray said.
“The first few months were crazy hard, but then it just got easier and easier. It was just part of our everyday lives. I would say that for caregivers who are new to it. It does get easier, even as your loved ones are getting sicker or getting closer to the end of life,” she said.
We’ve been able to take care of her these four years on our own, but we’re getting to the point where we have to figure out something else because she just can’t do anything for herself and there’s just things we don’t know how to do.
CAregiver Stacey Gray
One of the challenges Gray faced becoming a caregiver included accessing medical care and education on how to care properly for her mother and the next steps they needed to take.
“We’ve been able to take care of her these four years on our own, but we’re getting to the point where we have to figure out something else because she just can’t do anything for herself and there’s just things we don’t know how to do,” she said. “Like transferring her from a chair to the bed. That’s something we need to learn how to do.”
Gray plans to meet with hospice care to help assess and evaluate where to go moving forward with care for her mother.
“Finding care or other services, that’s been hard for us too because we never thought we’d be in this situation. And navigating the senior caregiving world is pretty complicated,” she said.
When reflecting on her time as a family caregiver, she said she wishes she had more education on how the process worked nearing the end-of-life care.
“She got out of the hospital a couple weeks ago… the hospital recognized that she probably is going to need nursing home care. But nobody mentioned she has to be out of the hospital for 60 days before she can get nursing home care,” she said. “I think if there was a way to know how families take care of seniors and their relatives. When should they start planning for it? Maybe we should be talking more about long-term care insurance when your loved ones are younger?”
Some of the things she’s learned through her caregiving experience is that it’s always important to be prepared. “You never know what’s going to happen to you,” she said. “Thankfully, we had all of that in place. And it comes up every time we go somewhere. If your parents are getting older, you should just have those conversations.”
While caring for her mother, Gray works as a portfolio manager and is pursuing a master’s degree in educational leadership from Wayne State University in Detroit. She plans to retire this year, and after graduation in 2025, she will pursue work at a school during her retirement. She follows in the footsteps of her mother, who is an alumna of Wayne State with a bachelor’s, master’s and doctorate degrees from the university.
