Taking the keys: A musician’s tough journey of learning to care for his mom

Sean Blackman was performing on stage when he noticed a series of missed calls from his 91-year-old mother, Ilene Blackman. When the Clawson musician called his mother back, he heard a panicked voice exclaim, “Oh my God, I’ve fallen. Call an ambulance, I’m outside.” Although he was in the middle of his job – working at a 150-person private birthday party on the rooftop of the Detroit Opera House this summer – Sean knew he had to go to his mother.

“I run back to the band, and I’m like, ‘Guys, you’ve got to do this without me. I’ve got to go tend to my mom,’” he said. “I just jumped off the stage… I jump in my car, and I’m weaving in traffic, driving like a maniac.”

Ilene ended up being OK, and while occurrences like this are rare for him, professional sacrifices are a regular occurrence for Blackman. He has been her sole caregiver for more than four years, a role he embraces despite the challenges.

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Blackman is an acoustic nylon string guitarist and composer recognized as one of Detroit’s leading world-music musicians​, but to him, his mom is the rock star. Ilene, he said, is a fiercely independent and worldly woman, an avid patron of the arts and a social butterfly, and a devoted mother.

Blackman’s childhood was filled with trips to the Cranbrook museums, behind-the-scenes tours of the College for Creative Studies’ art departments, and large buffet dinners with artists and friends from all walks of life. Ilene was a mother and friend to all, the go-to support for those in need, and the entertainment director of her social circles. She was also a single mom who always supported the passions and dreams of her two boys.

“I always deemed her this bad-ass babe, this kind of pillar of salt, a strong woman,” Blackman said.

While caregiving often falls on the shoulders of women, Blackman is one of a growing number of male caregivers throughout the United States. According to a report from the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, 40 percent of caregivers are male, up from 34 percent in 2009. 

Blackman said he’s experienced some stigma from being a male caregiver, but it’s often excessive praise for being the one to care for his mom. 

“I get a lot of ‘Oh my God, you’re an angel, heaven’s gates are going to open up wide for you, and you’re never going to feel guilty; it’s such a beautiful thing you’re doing…’” he said. “To me, it never changes how I feel when someone says that… [With] these kinds of statements, I’m just like, ‘Dude, it’s my mom, like isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?’”

While his mother still has full mental capacity, the limits of her aging body – arthritis, tremors, hearing loss, chronic fatigue – necessitate assistance for everyday tasks. Blackman prepares her meals, takes her shopping, manages her personal affairs and maintains her home and lawn. 

Last year, he moved her from her Bloomfield Hills condo to the house next door to him, which has made things easier, but the work still takes its toll. 

“The whole thing is quite exhausting,” he said. “I’m doing the very, very best that I can.” 

The impact of caregiving on his profession expands beyond always being on call. Blackman said instead of composing music, he’s limited to only taking gig work. It has also affected his social life.

While he was once a happy, social guy, he’s struggled with severe depression, at times struggling to get out of his chair and do basic tasks. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, at least 20 percent of family caregivers suffer from depression, twice the rate of the general population.

“I’d come home [from my mom’s place], and I’d sit down on my chair in my living room with my computer on my lap, and I’d become paralyzed…” he said. “[I’d be] thirsty, and there’s a glass of water on the end table right next to me, and I can’t pick it up to drink. I’m just frozen. And then all the sudden the sun starts going down, and I don’t have the lights on in the house, and I’m still sitting there in a dark room, and I’m not moving.”

He doesn’t let his mother doesn’t see that side of him, though sometimes she can sense his stress and frustration. 

“I would say a solid 80 [percent] to 88 percent of the time, I’m awesome with her, just really patient. Even if I have to repeat myself for the fourth time, I use the same tone as the first time I said it,” he said, “but 12 to 15 percent of the time, I [really] lose it.”

But recognizing the severity of his depression — and how it limits his ability to be a good son and friend – has helped Blackman to begin to come out of it. He said he’s been working diligently for the past year-and-a-half to get himself out of this state, including stopping drinking and chain smoking. He also started walking every morning. 

“It was very empowering,” he said, “doing things that are good for you.”

While he has not sought therapy or outside support groups, Blackman said he has a solid group of five close male friends with whom he can confide. He made friends with one, in particular, who was also the caretaker for his mother and would ask him for advice. 

“He’s like, ‘I’ve got two words for you: ‘Yes, Mom,’” Blackman said, “‘No matter what she says, ‘Yes, Mom.’”

For others struggling, Blackman said talking about your emotions is key, especially for men who may be less likely to open up. Being patient and remaining calm in stressful situations is also important, he said, as well as learning to separate personal issues so they don’t impact relationships or work. 

“I can’t bring my bad mood to the bandstand, I can’t do that,” he said. “We have to make music together … there’s people watching and listening.”

Blackman also advises caregivers to try to get ahead of problems before they become urgent. This also applies to both the needs of loved ones and to the caretakers themselves, and addressing their emotional strain. He also just started hiring outside help to assist his mother several times a week.

“Don’t wait too long to get professional help,” he said.

Blackman has come a long way since the depth of depression but said he has a ways to go and is looking forward to being himself again.

“I’m excited to get back to that guy. I miss him, I miss that part of me,” he said. “I’m not paralyzed in my chair anymore, but I’m not that far out of that chair either.”