Tina Dailey, 78, shows a calendar filled with medical appointments for her great-great-grandson Chase, 19, who has Down syndrome in Taylor, Michigan. After his and his brother’s parents became involved with drugs and alcohol, Dailey was granted custody of the two by the state of Michigan. (Photo: Sylvia Jarrus for The New York & Michigan Solutions Journalism Collaborative)

The phone rings around 6:30 a.m.. I struggle to answer. “Hello,” I mumble, half-asleep.

“Somebody trying to kill my momma.” It’s the voice of my 7-year-old granddaughter. 

I sit up in bed. “What? Where is she?”

My daughter comes to the phone, and she says, “I need help.” 

I call the children’s father. He arrives within the hour to find my 30-year-old daughter, incoherent and erratic, speaking to the police she called. Their two children are screaming and crying. Ultimately, my daughter is detained and taken to a residential mental health facility. 

I am a 50-year-old grandmother of two girls. I have informal limited guardianship of them, because my only child has schizoaffective disorder. The chronic mental health condition that combines schizophrenia with mood disorders emerged when she was 14. As my daughter got older, her symptoms increased, particularly in her 20s. She believed that actors on TV shows were sending her covert messages. She became obsessed with the idea of the Illuminati. She watched disturbing YouTube videos that reinforced her beliefs. 

When she became pregnant with her first child, there were challenges, but it was largely a smooth pregnancy. However, a nagging thought remained with me that one day, I’d be the one taking care of this kid. Barely one year later, she had another daughter. The thought returned, “I’ll be taking care of THESE girls.”

The hardest part of parenting someone with a mental illness is the unpredictability. The happy days give you hope and inspire optimism. But there is always a storm cloud looming. A good day could mean a fun shopping trip, mani-pedis and laughter, while a manic episode could bring violence, like the black eye I got this summer.

Being a grandparent automatically means being a caregiver. But most grandparents have their grandchildren a few times a week. Some even live in different cities and states. It is generally a relationship based on visitation rather than consistent supervision. According to the Grandparents and Kinship Support Network, in 2023, about 2.1 million grandparents overall were responsible for their grandchildren, and about 1 million grandchildren were being raised by grandparents without parents present. Black grandparents shoulder this responsibility at nearly double the rate of white grandparents, with less wealth and worse health outcomes.

A good day could mean a fun shopping trip, mani-pedis and laughter, while a manic episode could bring violence, like the black eye I got this summer.

The National Library of Medicine reported that 1.3 million African-American grandparents lived with their grandchildren in 2017; nearly half (47%) of Black grandparents have full responsibility for their care, the highest rate of custodial grandparent caregiving in the nation.

And among Black kinship families, over 50% of children live in a home headed by a Black single grandmother.

Like our home.

 According to Grandfamilies.org:

• In Michigan, 185,926 children live in homes where a relative is the head of household
• 54,000 grandparents are responsible for their grandchildren
• 4,675 children are in foster care, being raised by kin

The demands and costs of family caregiving – both for young children and for aging parents — are increasing financial and emotional stress for many families in Michigan like mine. While the arrangement can be emotionally beneficial to both grandparent and child, grandfamilies, also known as kinship families, can face invisible health, emotional and developmental challenges, according to research from Susan J. Kelley, professor emerita of nursing at Georgia State University. She reviewed 40 years of data and found that custodial grandparents also have higher rates of depression, anxiety and chronic illness than non-caregiving peers. 

As the U.S. ages and social systems strain, grandparents have become an unofficial child welfare system — reshaping retirement, family structure, and the future of caregiving. Grandparents are older, in worse health, and caregiving longer than before. According to the Grandparents and Kinship Support Network, as of September 2024, about 2.5 million children are being raised in kinship/grandfamilies in the United States.

Kinship families are more likely to experience poverty, a fact that was exacerbated during the COVID-19 pandemic, said Andrea Smith, an early childhood professor at Western Michigan University.  “The increased cost of living in the U.S., raising costs of many goods and services families need (food, clothing, housing, gas/transportation, health care, childcare, etc.) continues to directly and negatively impact quality of life for kin care providers and the children in their care.” Smith, whose research interests include family resilience and the challenges faced by kinship caregivers, said the reasons for kinship care are varied and often involve multiple factors.  These include divorce, parental physical and/or mental health issues, death, incarceration, military deployment, job-related issues, deportation and neglect.  

Tina Dailey, 78, cares full time for her two great-great-grandsons, Tyler, 18, and Chase, 19, who has Down syndrome, in Taylor, Michigan. Dailey has raised four generations of her family. (Photo by Sylvia Jarrus for the New York & Michigan Solutions Journalism Collaborative)

‘We thought we were done with this’

Tina Dailey, 78, lives in Taylor, Michigan. She has raised four generations of her family. She is currently raising two great-great-grandsons, Tyler, 18, and Chase, 19, who has Down syndrome. After their parents became involved with drugs and alcohol, Dailey was granted custody of the children by the state. Chase, who is non-verbal, has a genuine, loving spirit. Due to his medical conditions, Chase has to travel to the Children’s Hospital of Detroit for regular phlebotomies. “I’ve had to go in storms, in snow and ice, and it’s scary.”

Having a strong support system is one of the most difficult things for her. “I have friends I talk to, but not friends who will take them while I go do something. If I go to [a personal doctor’s appointment], I’m just up the creek without a paddle. I gotta figure out something, and I usually just don’t go. I just tough it out, because who is going to watch my boy? When I gotta go do almost anything, I usually don’t, because I don’t have that opportunity to be free.”

Despite the challenges, Dailey said that she would do it all again. “They have been my strength, and I love them with all my heart, as I do my own children.”

Kinship families face many challenges. While not every family experiences each of these challenges, there are some that are commonly mentioned by kin caregivers, according to Dr. Smith, these issues could include lifestyle changes, conflicting roles, medical care (for self and grandchildren), and a lack of support/loss of social group. 

Other shared challenges include financial hardship, food insecurity, transportation difficulties, and limited access to services. 

Alexia Harvey, 64, and her granddaughters Bobby -Eliza Bell, 14, and Kyleena , Bell, 13, in Warren, Michigan. After extenuating circumstances found her son unable to raise them alone and their mother out of the picture, her granddaughters ended up in foster care in Georgia. After numerous 12-hour car rides back and forth, Harvey and her husband ultimately became the girls’ legal guardians. “It can be challenging, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Harvey said. (Photo by Sylvia Jarrus for the New York & Michigan Solutions Journalism Collaborative)

“My husband and I occasionally look at each other and say, ‘Boy, we thought we were done with this,” said Alexia Harvey, 64, who lives in Warren, and is raising her 13- and 15-year-old granddaughters. After extenuating circumstances found her son unable to raise them alone and their mother out of the picture, her granddaughters ended up in foster care in Georgia. After numerous 12-hour car rides back and forth, Harvey and her husband ultimately became the girls’ legal guardians. 

“It can be challenging, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Harvey said. She wistfully recalled the loving art projects that the girls made for her for Christmas and Mother’s Day. “They often say, ‘You’re the Mom I never had.’” 

While their son remained in contact, he knew that his daughters were safest and most stable with his parents. “Eventually, he moved back to Detroit, but he sees how they are thriving living here with us.” Her son and the girls have a strong relationship, and recently, he became the coach of their softball team.

Not all kinship caregiving is permanent. For many, family reunification is an ultimate goal.  It’s not always possible, but kinship caregiving can be a rewarding experience for both the child and the caregiver. 

“Research has shown that kinship care providers and the children in their care benefit greatly from social support and involvement in educational/support groups,” said Smith, the WMU professor. “These caregivers report feeling less depressed and less isolated, and are more knowledgeable about, and more likely to use existing resources, have fewer physical health issues, and report feeling more positive about their kinship caregiving role.”

Kahn Satori Davison with his grandparents as a boy. The journalist credits his grandparents for his success in life, but most importantly, as a husband and father of four. (Courtesy photo)

Raised by elders, shaped by routine

Detroit journalist Kahn Santori Davison was raised by his maternal grandparents after his father killed his mother when he was only 15 months old. The new family dynamic, compounded by his trauma, had a lasting impact. However, he credits his grandparents for his success in life, but most importantly, as a husband and father of six. 

Davison notes that by the time he moved in with his grandparents, his grandfather was retired, and his grandmother was in poor health. “I remember a lot of things that they couldn’t do, like helping me ride my bike and running behind me so I wouldn’t fall.”

However, Davison speaks about his beloved grandparents with gratitude. “I was never like a latchkey kid, they were always there. For the most part, I got picked up and taken to school. When you’re younger, you don’t understand how important consistency is. Doing things the same way, the same days, grocery shopping day was always on Thursdays. Bible study was on Wednesday mornings. Choir rehearsals were on Wednesday nights. They didn’t live a life where I didn’t know what was going to happen the next day. That was comforting.”

Davison said that his grandparents, as older adults, sacrificed a lot to care for him, including in legal battles. “They always just emphasized that I should be a quality human being. I have always been passionate about representing them in the best light.”

As for my family, my daughter has had behavioral health treatment and has found a medication that is working well. She has maintained primary custody of her daughters and has developed a strong co-parenting relationship with their father. I still provide significant physical and financial support. She and I are having more good days than bad, and I am understanding that this disease will be along for the ride in our relationship. We are leaning in to our strengths and working together … one day at a time. 

Support for Kinship Caregivers 

The Great Start Collaborative of Wayne County has many resources for kinship caregivers. It has largely addressed grandparents, but others are welcome. The collaborative has a Family Coalition Facebook Group where caregivers can stay connected to family resources, playgroups, monthly meetings and more.

Grandparents Parenting Again and Kinship Care

A grassroots program that provides support, resources, fun and fellowship to Metro Detroit? grandparents/kinship caregivers and their children.

Kinship Care Resource Center (KCRC)

The Kinship Care Resource Center at Michigan State University is a statewide program run by the School of Social Work that serves families raising relative children by providing information and referrals to resources and services. With support from the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services, families and service providers are connected with kinship care navigators, or experienced kinship caregivers.

Family Enrichment Center

Family Enrichment Center is a nonprofit agency dedicated to helping foster, adoptive and kinship children by supporting the families they live with through trainings, support groups, family activities, moral support and advocacy.