Lora Stafford, 67, is an aerobics instructor for the Detroit Rivertown Assisted Living facility. It’s a way for her to spend time doing what she loves and staying close to someone she cares about the most: her sister, who is 78 and a resident of the facility.
“When my sister comes to class, two days out of the week, I’m able to assess how listless she is or whether or not she’s building strength,” Stafford said. “I’m happy to report that she is building strength and she seems more on the track of keeping her health in a good place.”
Stafford, of Taylor, Michigan, serves as a part-time caregiver for her sister but her caregiving journey began decades ago when she was a caregiver for both of her parents. Her mother died nine years ago at 90, and her father died five years ago at 95. She remembers frequently taking her parents to exercise classes to maintain their cognitive and physical health. Stafford has also been involved in fitness classes with the National Kidney Foundation of Michigan, teaching and participating in their fitness classes. Now she is instructing weekly courses at the living facility, including for her sister who has needed care the last few years.
“I think, in the case of caregiving, it’s breaking through barriers. It’s breaking through barriers because you also get more out of the caregiving relationship if the person you’re caregiving for trusts you,” Stafford said.
Part of this was also acknowledging the caregiving journey that had begun and what steps to take moving forward.
“At the time, when I noticed that my mom was sort of sliding into a state of forgetfulness. She also noticed it and she asked me, as well as one of my siblings, to kindly pull out her important papers because she felt like she was losing it,” she said. “Typically, when your loved ones tell you that, you’re in a state of denial. You really don’t want to accept it.”
She retrieved the life documents and her mother was diagnosed with dementia shortly afterward. During the progression and stages of dementia, caregiving became a vital part of her everyday life. Luckily, Stafford’s schedule was flexible and she was able to be present for her mother and father in their final years.
“The person I was working for happened to allow me to balance out my caregiving duties, teaching aerobics, and working for her at the same time,” Stafford said. “Caregiving is something that you don’t necessarily plan for it and sometimes depending on your age, you have children and you have parents that you’re caregiving for. It is a juggling act.”
Her mother and father were married 71 years, and she had to tend to their needs while caregiving for them. “The dynamics of taking care of a couple has to do also with whether or not how assisting the couple is to one another. Because sometimes they have a family dynamic where the mother does everything and the dad basically goes along with what’s going on – which was the dynamic with my parents,” she said.
This meant sometimes having to explain to her father that her mother no longer could discuss their lives as a couple. “I always tell people, try to get those issues resolved at the stage where they happened, so that they’re not compounded,” Stafford said. “Because that was my dad going into himself, feeling sorry for himself because his wife couldn’t help him and he was mentioning things from when they got married, and now mom has dementia.”
She felt the impact of dementia on the family caregiver, experiencing her mother’s decline of participation in daily life, such as going to church. Even then, caregiving for her new needs was important.
“I remember saying at the time that I mourned the mother I had and I accepted the mother I have,” Stafford said. “The effects of dementia weren’t going to be reversed but perhaps just making her life easier and allowing her to just feel like she was useful, and that she had some sort of activities to do. It just makes you feel good, because caregivers should be compassionate people.”
Stafford said a plan for how family caregivers will support their loved ones may be the most important way to support them. When it came to making the decision for her sister to enter an assisted living facility, she said it was a decision made with the best intentions for how her sister, who dealt with substance abuse and is living with diabetes, would be best cared for.
The emotional and physical toll on caregivers is one that she’d like to see addressed more, particularly sacrifices the family caregiver has to make for the well-being of their loved ones.
“A lot of caregivers end up really needing care for themselves because they’ve just worn themselves out,” she said, reminding others that asking for enough support can help. She said lately she’s been asking about readily available resources from senior-serving agencies.
“I wish more people knew that they do have resources and support systems to help them get through,” Stafford said. “Sometimes the persons that are giving care also need care themselves.”
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